I found this quote on http://www.nospank.net/ a teachers and parents advocacy group against spanking children.
"The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears. I think everyone in the world to a large or small extent has felt rejection. And with rejection comes anger, and with anger some kind of crime in revenge for the rejection, and with the crime guilt – and there is the story of mankind."— John Steinbeck, East of Eden, 1952
I agree spanking or hitting of any kind is the wrong way to teach a lesson - or rather, it teaches the wrong lesson.
That said, most parents (myself included) will admit to having let a hand slip once or twice under pressure - lack of sleep, etc. We all make mistakes. And then we have to live with them.
One of the big issues for me with spanking and hitting is the lack of emotional control. If you hit a child in a moment of anger, you are teaching her/him that losing control is okay. I think this can be just as damaging as the physical abuse. The feeling that adults are out of control can be very scary to kids and causes a lot of anger issues that then play out in the same way - ie: losing emotional control and/or hitting. Kids emulate our emotional behavior perhaps before anything else.
I am of course not referring to serious abuse, here! That is a different discussion.
I know people who have been spanked without becoming violent adults. I think it has a lot to do with the rest of the family picture. How much and what kind of honest nurturing is going on the rest of the time gives context to discipline. I also know parents (who shall be nameless) who feel there is a very specific place for hitting kids in the name of proper discipline.... I won't debate this now. It is an enormous discussion.
This is how I see the short of it:
The first step is to decide what kind of person you want to raise and how to discipline.
Discipline is a process of taking into account the personality of YOUR child. Not every method in every book works for every child! We find that out the hard way. Taking things away (negative reinforcement), Giving treats (positive) both have their issues as do all forms of discipline.
Next is to be consistent! Constistancy is king!
Then there is damage control when you deviate from the program! I think this is important. We all send out mixed messages even though we wish we didn't! It's important to be honest with kids about the mistakes you make and how you plan to do better. I think it helps them see mistakes as tools and keys to a better future.
